Introduction
Assertive communication is an important skill to master. Being able to communicate assertively can be helpful in personal and professional relationships. At work, it can be especially important in leadership positions or situations where teamwork and direction is required (Centre for Clinical Interventions, 2019). Assertive communication means being able to express your thoughts, ideas, and opinions in a clear and direct manner, whilst respecting the views of others.
Communication on a continuum
There is often confusion regarding the line between being assertive, aggression and passive communication. This may be compounded for women as they may be subject to double standards in the workplace around what is considered an appropriate way to communicate based on their gender (Women in Research, 2021).
Communication can be thought of as existing on a continuum with passive communication at one end and aggressive communication at the other. The important distinction between the three is suggested to be the point at which yourself and others’ rights and needs are balanced (Centre for Clinical Interventions, 2023).
Passive communication- Passive communicators often prioritise others needs before their own, minimising their own self-worth. Passive communicators may come across as overly apologetic or describe themselves as “people pleasers”. Consistently using this style of communication may result in lower self esteem and respect from peers.
Aggressive communication- On the other end of the spectrum are aggressive communicators. These individuals often prioritise their own rights which may come at the expense of others (Centre for Clinical Interventions, 2023). This can often look like becoming defensive or raising their voice to have their thoughts heard over others. This method of communication can result in people feeling disrespected, fear from others, and the speaker being less approachable.
Assertive communication- Assertive communication incorporates both respect for your own needs and the needs of others. This balanced approach allows for assertive communicators to effectively have ideas heard in a respectful manner, whilst allowing and respecting contributions from others. This method of communication instils self respect and promotes respect and trust from others (Centre for Clinical Interventions, 2023).
Being able to communicate assertively may not come naturally to everyone. The good news is that assertive communication is a skill which can be learned like any other.
Common challenges with being assertive
The most common challenges to practising assertive communication include avoidance of conflict, lack of skills, and negative self-talk.
- Avoidance of conflict- a common challenge when sharing thoughts and opinions is the fear of conflict or push back from others. It is common to be concerned that assertiveness may lead to negative reactions from others. However, avoiding conflict can have negative consequences too. To overcome this fear, it may be helpful to recognise that conflict does not have to be about ‘bad’ versus ‘good’ ideas, or ‘winning’ versus ‘losing’ a debate; but instead can be about constructively creating new ideas.
- Lack of skills- you may not have had a lot of practice being assertive or did not learn assertive communication skills growing up. Thankfully, there are lots of ways to demonstrate assertive communication and what you say is as important as how you say it. In addition to speaking directly, assertive communication may include: active listening, welcoming body language and appropriate use of tone. These skills can be improved through observation and practice of basic assertiveness skills such as making assertive requests or saying ‘no’ politely.
- Negative self-talk- our mindset can have a powerful impact over our actions. Engaging in negative self-talk may hinder our ability to engage in assertive communication. It may be helpful to start noticing any unhelpful thoughts which contribute to these challenges. Thoughts such as “if I speak up, people won’t like me” or “it’s not a big deal, I shouldn’t make a fuss” may get in the way of being an assertive communicator. Being able to notice these thoughts may be a helpful first step to reducing the power they have over you and your actions.
Three ways to practise assertive communication
There are a number of different ways to help improve assertive communication:
- The Softened Start Up- the softened start up was developed by American Psychologist, John Gottman. This concept suggests gentle communication to express criticism or address issues. Gottman suggests that harsh conversation starters can lead to defensive responses as the aim of the conversation shifts from problem-solving to proving who is right (Power, 2024). Again, communicating softly does not mean passively. All ideas including your own should be shared and responded to. The Gottman Institute (2024) suggest using the following framework to facilitate a softened start up:
- I feel… communicate how you feel
- About… describe the situation using neutral and non-judgemental language
- I need… explain what you need for things to improve
- The DESC Model- DESC stands for describe, express/empathise, specify and consequences and is used to decrease defensiveness in an assertive manner (Yale University, 2016).
- Describe– the ‘describe’ component of this model suggests describing the problem to the individual you’re communicating with. Aim to do this in an objective and neutral way.
- Express– this component allows for the emotional component of the discussion to be added. Your feelings matter and should be expressed in a way that allows for the other individual to understand, while also respecting and acknowledging their position at the same time.
- Specify– it is important to specify what behaviour or outcome you’d prefer to happen. For example, If you’re struggling with someone’s behaviour at work, you could suggest a potential solution to alleviate the issue.
- Consequences– lastly, this model suggests explaining the positive consequences from implementing the new behaviour you suggested. Talking about the benefits of your suggestion may help them to get onboard with your idea.
- Use “I” Statements- make “I” not “you” statements: The Gottman Institute (2024) suggests starting sentences that start with “I” decreases the chances of coming off as critical and putting the other person on the defensive. By drawing attention to how you feel and how you interpret the situation allows space for the other person’s reactions and opinions, fostering an environment to effectively resolve the issue at hand.
Learning to implement assertive behaviours can be challenging. Performing assertive communication skills effectively is an ongoing process that takes time to learn and master. Psychological help is an excellent way to get additional advice and support if you’re looking to develop this skill further.
If you need support to communicate more assertively, schedule a free 15 minute consultation to find out how I can help.
References
Centre for Clinical Interventions
Being Assertive and Proactive | Women in Research | Australia
Couple Communication: The Value of a Gottman Soft Start-up
Using DESC to Make Your Difficult Conversations More Effective
Disclaimer – this blog is for education and information purposes only. It does not constitute individual advice. The information contained in this post may not be applicable or appropriate for everyone. If you need support, consider seeking individualised support.
