In high-stakes professional environments, having a measure of control over the work you do is important. Just as important is being able to accept the limits of personal control. Acceptance is a concept that I frequently talk about in my work as a coaching psychologist. It’s one of those concepts that, on the surface, sounds quite simple, but the process of acceptance may be quite challenging. Misunderstandings about what acceptance is (and isn’t) may also make the process of acceptance more challenging.
True psychological acceptance isn’t about simply tolerating a tough situation; it’s an active, conscious choice to engage with reality as you find it. A common misconception is that this means being happy about the situation you find yourself in. In fact, you can accept a situation AND be angry about it. Acceptance means focusing on what you can influence, while also acknowledging the difficult thoughts, circumstances, and feelings without struggling against them. Acceptance means holding two seemingly contradictory ideas as true. That is, the idea that you can meet reality as you find it, and at the same time work towards change. Acceptance and change aren’t mutually exclusive. You can work towards both.
A Different Mindset: Acceptance vs. Giving Up
One of the biggest challenges with acceptance is confusing it with giving up. While both might involve acknowledging reality as you find it, they can create different mindsets. On the one hand, acceptance as an active choice may lead you to feel proactive and empowered. On the other hand, giving up is often a passive process that may lead to feelings of helplessness and defeat.
Acceptance is an active response focused on what you can control while acknowledging what you can’t control. It may help to create the mental space to observe a situation, learn from it, and find a path forward. Imagine a manager whose budget is suddenly cut. Acceptance means acknowledging the new reality AND the feelings of frustration AND then strategising about what’s possible with the new resources. The manager who practises acceptance thinks, “Okay, this is the situation and how I feel about it. What are my options now?”
Giving up, conversely, is a feeling of submission and often the surrender of personal power. It’s rooted in the belief that you have no control and nothing you do matters. The manager who has given up in the same situation mentally resists the new reality they find themselves in; they may feel defeated and find themselves wishing things were different. The manager who has given up thinks, “It shouldn’t be this way. There’s nothing I can do, why bother?”
The key difference that leads to these mindset differences is personal agency. Acceptance may help you to shift from a passive mindset to an active one by focusing on your response to the situation. Understanding what the difference is between acceptance and giving up may help in your practice.
The Internal Battle: Why Is Acceptance So Hard?
It’s a normal, human response to struggle against situations that cause negative emotional states. When this struggle persists or starts to get in the way of being able to move forward, the concept of Locus of Control (LOC) may provide insight into why acceptance can be challenging. Understanding whether you believe you have control over your circumstances or you are at the whims of forces beyond your control may help you to gain further insight into the practice of acceptance..
- An Internal LOC is the belief that you have agency and can drive changes in your life.
- An External LOC is the belief that what happens to you is due to outside forces like luck or other people.
An external LOC may lead to giving up. If you believe your actions don’t matter, it may feel pointless to try. For professionals, it’s also important to recognise whether a work-specific LOC exists. For example, you might feel in control of your personal life but develop an external LOC at work due to a toxic environment. This feeling of helplessness isn’t a character flaw; it’s a learned response to a specific situation.
Acceptance, being an active and conscious choice you make, may help to counteract feelings of helplessness. The process of accepting a challenging situation may help to create a mindset shift from thinking that things are being done to you, to a more positive state where you feel you have agency. This mindset shift can be a powerful force, leading to positive action and change.
Advanced Frameworks for Practising Acceptance
The good news is that acceptance is a skill that you can cultivate with practice. Below are three frameworks that may help you to move towards acceptance.
Radical Acceptance: Stop Wasting Energy
Radical Acceptance is about preventing inevitable emotional pain from turning into prolonged suffering. “Radical” means complete and total—accepting reality completely as you find it. The core idea is simple: rejecting reality doesn’t change it.
Radical acceptance is not about approval or passivity. For example, radically accepting that a workplace is toxic may help to create the mental space you need to work towards a solution (even if that solution is to leave). You can think of it as a form of resource management. The energy spent struggling against reality is a drain on your emotional resources. Practising radical acceptance may help to free up mental resources for problem-solving and action.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Radical Acceptance
When faced with an unchangeable reality, you may find it helpful to follow these steps:
- Notice that you are struggling against reality (e.g., “This isn’t fair!” or “I wish this hadn’t happened”).
- Commit internally to accepting the facts exactly as they are.
- Acknowledge that a chain of events led to this moment.
- Practice acceptance with your whole self—use accepting self-talk and try to release any resistance you notice in your body.
- Allow yourself to feel any emotions (e.g. sadness, disappointment, anger) that come with the situation.
- Act as if you have already accepted the situation – engage in behaviours you imagine you might take if you were able to accept your current circumstances.
The Power of Dialectical Thinking
Dialectical thinking is about aiming to hold two seemingly conflicting ideas as both being true. The key idea here is that you can work towards both Acceptance AND Change at the same time. You can simultaneously practise accepting your current reality and take steps to make positive changes. Acceptance is not the enemy of change; it’s a helpful partner. A simple way to practice this is by replacing “but” with “and” in self-talk. For example:
- Instead of: “I’m doing my best BUT I need to learn better ways to manage”
- Try: “I am doing my best AND I want to learn better ways to manage.”
The word “BUT” often invalidates or discounts whatever comes before it. The word “AND” may help to validate and supplement what was said before. This “AND” mindset helps us to see that it’s not an either-or choice; we can both accept where we are and work towards change.
The ACT Approach: Take Values-Aligned Actions
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) highlights that while you can’t always control events that happen to you, you can decide how you act or respond to those events. ACT supports you to gain distance from distressing thoughts and emotions. This sense of distance may help to create the space you need to take value-driven actions despite difficult thoughts or feelings. Some common techniques learned in ACT include:
- Noticing Emotions: Practise observing and labelling your emotions without judgement. You might think “I notice I’m feeling disappointed”. To deepen the practice, notice the physical sensations experienced in your body alongside that emotion.
- Cognitive Defusion: Get distance from your thoughts. Instead of “I am a failure,” observe it by saying, “I am having the thought that I am a failure.” This may help to see thoughts as passing mental events, not universal truths.
- Values and Committed Action: Clarify what matters to you (e.g., integrity, leadership) and act in a way that is consistent with your values. For example: “I will accept this difficult situation AND respond in a way that demonstrates positive leadership.”
The Acceptance Paradox
Practising acceptance is ultimately an act of courage. It’s the moment you stop investing energy into an emotional struggle and decide to reinvest it into what you can influence. The paradoxical thing about acceptance is that it also provides fertile ground for change. Acceptance isn’t a barrier to growth; it’s the foundation for it. It allows you to shift from being reactive to being proactive, and can help provide you with the emotional space you need to navigate challenging situations. The wisdom of the Serenity Prayer serves as a timeless reminder: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
If you’d like to deepen your practice of acceptance, you’re welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation.
Disclaimer – this newsletter is for education and information purposes only. It does not constitute individual advice. The information contained in this newsletter may not be applicable or appropriate for everyone. If you need support, consider seeking individualised support from a qualified health professional.
